Trying.

Sometimes, it's hard to separate what I feel inside me. The anxiety that had taken a seat on the back burner for so long is staring me in the eyes. I thought I had a handle on this. I thought once we passed the 1 year mark, life would be a little easier. It's not. Turns out, I think I've been lying to myself for so long that I was okay, that I was healing. I don't think I was doing any of those things. I think I was trying so hard to get back to normal, to get back to the way things were BEFORE. I kept trying to get back to how things were before, but that can't happen. Life will never be the way it was before June 18, 2015.

I think sometimes, we get so caught up with how things used to be that we forget to live our day to day lives in the now. We live so much in our memories of how things were and forget to make new memories.

I need to work on this.

;

Everyday for almost 6 months, I have drawn this semicolon on my wrist or my forearm. Some of you have asked me about it, others I'm sure have wondered but didn't want to ask. I have always been an anxious person, sometime I'm able to hide it, sometimes, there is no hiding it for anything. Within these last few months, my anxiety attacks have become more frequent (for obvious reasons) and overwhelming. When I look at my wrist and see the semicolon, it reminds me to pause, to take another breath, that I'm still here, my story is still being written. Drawing the semicolon each day is a way for me to take control of my anxiety, a way to decide every day that I'm not going to let my anxiety win.

"A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.” Project Semicolon

When I posted the picture and the worlds above to my personal Facebook page yesterday, I didn't realize just how raw letting others know my struggles would be for me. Posting about my semicolon left me feeling raw and a little anxious. I'm not sure what made me finally address my semicolon in such a public forum, but I'm glad I did. I am thinking about getting the semicolon as a tattoo, but I'm not sure. Right now, drawing the semicolon has become part of my daily routine; I'm not ready to give that up. By drawing the semicolon each day, I promise myself that I'm not going to give up.

Life will never be the same

Three months ago, my life changed completely. The most important person in my life passed away in the early hours of June 18th. My daddy was gone. Life has been chaotic since Daddy passed away. There are times when I feel my world is crumbling and I can't stop it. Then there are times when I am filled with peace knowing my Dad lived a Christian Life. My Dad was a Christian and he is where he has always wanted to be.

My Daddy was the most important person in my life. He was my rock and always had my back. Daddy was the one who always encouraged me to follow my dreams, but didn't hesitate to let me know if I was doing something wrong. Some of my most precious memories involve my dad in some way. 

His death was so unexpected. Sunday he was fine. Monday, he had to have an emergency procedure done to remove the clot his fistula (for dialysis). Tuesday he felt awful so  I took him to the closet ER around noon. He was quickly admitted to ICU. Wednesday, he spent most of the day unconscious and by Thursday morning at 2:48, Daddy was gone. Less than 48 hours after being checked into the hospital, he was killed by a heart attack. Mom and I are pretty sure one of the clots from the fistula made its way to his heart. 

In the days after Daddy passed away, so many of our friends and fellow Christians shared funny stories or special memories and thoughts about Dad and it was such a comfort to me. I still have every text message and email from that day. One day I will share them with you. One thing I will share is this beautiful bracelet a friend of mine had made.

A really good friend of mine asked me for something that Daddy wrote to me in his handwriting. I handed her a picture of  an appreciagram (a note of appreciation that our church had created) that Dad wrote me years ago. A week ago, she handed me this beautiful bracelet with Daddy's words reminding me that he loves me. This bracelet is the most precious thing anyone has ever given me.

That's what's been going on in my life lately. While things have been a bit chaotic and I've been on an emotional roller coaster, I'm going to leave you with a verse that means a lot to me.

"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:10

No matter how weak I feel right now, I am strong in the LORD.